#Relationship goals

I, Jennifer Johnson, have been victimized personally by Regina George. In this instance Regina George is the internet and the stupid society we live in today. I do not know if you have seen the post lately, or watched any rom-com ever, or read a Nicolas Sparks movie, or maybe watched Hallmark Channel, But all of these things are personally attacking me daily! They are showing me images of what true love should be and how true love should work, well honey as someone who is truly in love, let me tell you that is not reality. Once you are in a relationship a true goal would be to come home and not have to do the dishes or sweep the floor. Shit that is a goal. A true goal would not to have to worry about what is for dinner every single day because you " ARE A WOMAN WHO IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HER MAN>" Honey, this is not 1915 and I do not know if you have seen my man but he can feed himself. A true goal is being able to come home after a long day at work, but my sweats on, and be able to sit on the couch with my fiance for the rest of the night with no worries. These are true goals. All that other crap is dumb. You have probably seen the picture of the guy who sent his girlfriend a dress and told her to be ready at a certain time and she acted like she was so excited. LIE! Chances are the dress did not fit and the girl was not ready at that time,even though they had a reservation. The truth is I made myself the victim. I was the one who fell into the trap. I believed that all men would be like Noah from The Notebook and write me one letter for every single day we were apart, when in reality girls you should be thankful if you get one text message while you are apart. I mean I always think, if Noah can write her that many letters how can you not text me back? That is not fair to me to have to think that way because of stupid movies. And all these relationship goals pictures, heres a newsflash "THEY ARE POSED" DUH its called modeling. I am not saying men out there do not do nice things for their spouses, but I am saying when they do it is often not what you expect. My fiance wakes up in the morning and makes me coffee before I go to work To him, that is a grand gesture. To me it is a sweet and thoughtful thing to do. Men are wired stupidly while us ladies are smarter. I watch Hallmark daily and those men are always on it. I get caught up and think "Well I don't see my boyfriend lighting up the entire city in lights to prove his love" instead I see dirty dishes in the sink but his clothes that have been laying on the bathroom floor for days has now been moved. I feel victimized and I take it out on him. On the flip side, Fella you best recongize that we females loves the stupid goey romantic crap. Not all the time but any female who says she doesn't like it, is a liar! A BIG OL LIAR. Everyone likes to be made to feel special. Everyone likes to be able to tell their friends about the wonderful thing their spouse did for them. Everyone wants to be the next picture that says relationship goals. It is human nature. I love the human I have decided to spend the rest of my life with on a cold chicago day while I was in my pajamas. It was never how I pictured it. Nothing is. My relationship goals was that when you live with someone you come home to them every night and get to have dinner with them. FALSE. My relationship goal was that you always have a date to everything you want to go to. FALSE. My relationship goals was alot of things that will never happen. I am learning new goals are. I am learning to accept that a true goal is just wanting the dishes to be cleaned and floors to be swept. A relationship goal is having food ready when you get home,whether they are eating with you, because its nice to not have to worry. A relationship goal is asking me if I want to go to the bathroom first so that it doesn't stink when I am getting ready.I will always get mad when there are no romantic gestures. As a female I will always feel under appreciated for all I do and the fact he is not writing it across the sky how awesome I am. I am only human. But ladies of the world, it time to set some real relationship goals. Ones that are long lasting.

Perpetually Single to recently engaged

I read a article recently called "Dating is a game, so play to win" It got me to thinking "WHAT THE HELL IS IT THAT YOU ARE WINNING?" Love? Marriage? Kids? And if I am dating like it's a game and I want to win, then I could make anyone fall in love with me. Hello, I was single and loving it. I loved the "dating game." The getting dressed up and picked up for a night out on the town. The doors being held open for you and getting to be be out with a person who was trying to WOW you. I mean maybe that is a gaame. IF it was then I should have been an MVP because I was playing the h -e-double hockey sticks out of that game but I guess maybe I wasn't in it to win it until now. I think my version of winning was being "WOED: for a few weeks then casually telling them good bye. I also accepted dates with just about everyone who as because it was so fun. I loved dating. It was a game and I think I never played to win until now. I mean if I have to say I was an excellent date and loads of fun. But then I found "the one", my Prince Charming, well thats not the right word for him. He is more like my well I'm not sure what the correct character correlation would be. But anyways.There are many stages one must go through when they have to accept they have found the one they want to be with forever. First, you have to accept that forever is a really really really long time. You also have to accept that life is not as Disney movies would have you believe it is. Or as any rom com would have you believe it is. At times it is so much better than that, and at times its is so much worse. So if you are a perpetually single person and want to know if there is a way to over come it then I am here to help because I have a phD in dating. It's a fact. You get this phD when you date a string of questionable people and look back and think "WOW. I am an idiot." Since that has been my entire dating history up until now, I am more than qualified to speak on this matter. And if you don't agree, then I have to say you are smart because I have no idea what I am talking about and make horrible decisions in life. So the following are the steps on my journey: 

1. Meet a man but more importantly, the RIGHT man. This seems like common sense, but that is definitely something I have lacked in my life. I dated my fair share of Mr. Wrong. In the past I used to be perfectly okay with dating Mr. Wrong because I wasn't looking for anything. But then I met Mr. Right, and for weeks, I refused to accept that because I am niave. 

2. Quit being a moron and accept you have found Mr. Right. This is something I refused to do. I dated and kept falling harder and harder and harder but refused to accept it. I just kept thinking, we will break up eventually. 

3. Realize that while if you were a man, you would be smarter your spouse, they are doing the best they can. This has been very hard for me to accept, since I am dating someone who does things that absolutely infuriate me. Which is probably why I have been single for so long, because guys are just dumb. They also are not mind readers which is really stupid and really a skill they all need to be able to possess because it would save me alot of problems. 

4. Accept sadly life is not Nicholas Sparks movie. This one is tough but true. When you watch these movies and see all these great grand romantic gestures, know its not gonna happen in real human being life. Not saying that they don't do nice things for you. Sometimes it's hard to realize that the small things you have no idea you are doing, are actually really romantic ideas for them. For instance, I HATE sour candy. My man friend bought "us" some to share during a movie. To him he was being very sweet and kind and romantic. Also when you are sick and think they will come over, make me food, and watch movies with me, they will. But it will be the movies they want, you will more than likely make the food, and they think this is great. 

5. Just say yes. I did and I do not regret it. Sometimes I think, "What have I gotten myself into?" But it is a fun crazy journey. 

IN the end this is all terrible advice and probably a terrrible post. I really wanted to use this time to say HEY IM ENGAGED NOW! Sadly that means no more being courted since apparently I have been courted enough but I guess I can make it through. 

Texting: the double edged sword

I have heard that I am attached to my phone, and I admit first hand that I am. I always have my phone available and what this done is make me readily available to everyone. I try to break this habit. I feel like I have started to do well with not constantly checking my phone then BOOM! It's always attached to my hand again. I love texting. It is an easy way to spread information, it is an easy way to make plans, and it is an easy and fast way to get in touch with someone. I hate how attached I am to my phone, yet I know this will not change. I know this will not change because I am in a relationship where for 8-11 days that is the only way to talk to my man friend. Having a relationship strictly through texting is hardly a relationship at all. You can not tell the tone of the voice of the person you are talking to, you can not see their face when they "hear" your words, so you do not know how they are taking them. You do not know if they are typing out of anger or happiness or sadness. Texting has a way of starting arguments that no one ever intended to have. Texting has a way of making you made when you are readily available to someone and it takes them hours upon hours to respond to you. It hurts when you phone sits there and does not light up. It hurts when you feel like you live your life waiting on a text from someone, waiting on a text that may never come. It hurts when you feel that people should always be as available to you as you are to them,and they see differently. It is hard to describe. Texting really is a double edged sword. You can send a text and never have a disruption to what you are doing. You can talk to people for hours a day through text but in the end you are not really talking to them at all. You are talking to a screen. They are talking back to that screen. IT IS INSANE! I know I am not the first person to feel this way. I can't  be the only person to feel this way. I feel that is I take a little time each day for myself and do not worry about my phone then I can learn to be happier. I can learn to do more. I can learn to live more in the moment around me then in the moments in front of my face. Texting should not be the only way to communicate. Texting should be short and brief. I am going to work harder on understanding that and work harder on not texting as much. There is no reason for anyone to always be attached to their phone so from now on I won't be.

QUIT IT

I am what some people would consider a twenty-something, since I am in my early to mid 20s. I have never really figured out how that works. Am I in my early 20s until I reach 25, then since 5 is half am I in my mid for a year before I switch to my late? In other words what is the math algorithm that helps us decide at what point in our life are we at the point in our lives where people tend to want to label us? You get what I am saying or no? Any ways, I am not going to lie, sometimes being a twenty something is hard work man. Like you are supposed to have it all together but you don't. It is a constant game of comparison. Every time I feel like I have accomplished something, I get on Facebook and see someone my age who has accomplished more. I feel like I went out and had a cool adventure and that stupid One Up Susan (I don't mean like an actual susan so if you are a susan and reading this, I am not talking about you; it is just a general term I am giving) had a better one. She went somewhere cooler and happened to wear a cuter outfit in one of her pics she posted and even though I went to the same place maybe her picture gets more likes because her hair is not blown around her head like a lions mane and her out fit was more on point. WHAT EVER SUSAN I LIKE MY OUTFIT AND MY LIONS MANE! YOU CAN'T SIT WITH ME!

Anyways I am always sitting here like " Really that stoner kid from high school now has that awesome job and owns his own house? That's cool I like living with my mom"

Or " I am so happy in my relationship" checks social media " REALLY SHE"S ENGAGED!! REALLY SOMEONE LOVES HER! WHAT I AM WAY PRETTIER!!!"

And then I see how Taylor Swift is doing all this cool stuff and my dance moves are way better and it's crap that she has all this stuff.

Then all the sudden everything I thought was so great and exciting in my life suddenly seems so inadequate. It seems that someone will always have something better and cooler than I have. Someone will always be better. Then I mentally yell to myself " QUIT IT" Quit comparing yourself to everyone.

I do not think I am the only human my age who does this. I think with social media, It is a trap all people my age fall into. As humans of this age we need to make an effort not to. We need to start saying " I DO NOT CARE. THAT IS AWESOME FOR YOU BUT GUESS WHAT IT IS EQUALLY AWESOME FOR ME SO GET OUT OF HERE!"

The more I compare myself to others, the more I see what I do not have. The more I see what I have not accomplished. I MUST STOP

I need to start focusing on just the good I do. I need to focus on how I am trying to eat healthier and avoided McDonalds so win for me. I need to focus on how I am doing awesome in everything and I do not care what anyone else says. I need to learn to just be happy and quit feeling like I will never be enough or accomplish enough.

Focus on your life. Focus on YOUR happiness. Say yes because you want to, not because it will look cool and get alot of likes and jealousy. Say no because it sounds stupid with out worrying about what other people will think. Stop thinking about what they have and you don't. Think about what you have and what you can gain. Think about where your future is going. Realize you are the one who decides it, not STUPID ONE UP SUSAN. I owe it to myself to think like this and you owe it to me to listen to me and do this too. You also owe it to yourself I guess.

The actual text a girl wants

I posted an article on my Facebook page earlier titled something like the 8 text all females want. I thought "Yeah I mean that is pretty cool" But then I thought those are great and all but these texts are some of the greatest of all time. So now here is my list of things I actually want to receive in a text.

1. HEY I AM AT MCDONALDS RIGHT NOW. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
those words right there are like music to my ears. To think that there is a human out there who loves me so much they are willing to sit in McDonalds drive thru line and actually think of me. I could cry. Not only that they get the golden fries from heaven and deliver them to me. If that is not love, then love does not exist.

2. GIRL, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE SHAKIRA WHEN YOU DANCE
I mean I like to think that if beyonce and shakira got together and had a child i am that child. I mean kids gave began to call me Beykira. I am that believable. Plus MY HIPS DO NOT LIE

3. YOUR HAIR IS SO MAGICAL I JUST LOOK AT IT AND I'M MEMORIZED
I think i might have spelt the wrong word there but you get the point. I have been told many times in the past that my hair is magical. I am like the girl in mean girls, my hair is so big because it is full of secrets.

4. YOU ARE SO PRETTY YOU SHOULD BE A VICTORIA SECRET ANGEL.
I mean lets be honest, if you are a Victoria Secret Angel then you have been deemed one of the top super models in the world. They are the cream of the crop

5. YOU ARE MISS AMERICA TO ME
This one is obvious since Miss America is " from sea to shining sea like lady liberty
she reigns over all she seesshe is beauty and she is graceshe is queen of 50 statesshe is elagance and taste
she is miss united states. I mean what rl doesn't want to be told she is all those things. 

6. I LOVE YOUI mean this one I have to agree with since it is kinda obvious. I mean it is kinda nice to hear every once and while. Like I don't know why people can't just tell me. 

7. I HAVE A DRINK READY Think about it. You have had a rough day. You are tired. You are angry. You are probably hungry if you are anything like me. But most importantly you are thirsty,. There is nothing like knowing that when you arrive at your destination you will be able to quench that thirst. I do not have 8 texts because I am not as needy as the girl who I am refuting. I am simple. I only need 7. 

Traveling Hobo

Sometime in the past I went on the trip of a life time. I got in my car, had my sister and best friend in the car, drove to Chicago and boarded a plane. That plane took me off to the adventure I will never forget. It took me to Europe where I got to meet some of the most amazing people I ever have in my life. Since it is throwback Thursday, I decided I would write a blog about the past and hopefully the future. I also have been inspired by a family friend of ours who is living the life and traveling across the country just getting to experience all there is to offer. SHE IS LIVING THE LIFE! I am always struck with wanderlust (that's the term right? I am not an English person so someone tell me!) Anyways, I always want to go somewhere. Even if it is in my own city, I need to get out and experience things. I need to try something I have never tried and I need to do something I have never done. I simply just need to LIVE! If I was a billionaire, or one day when I make it big as a singer or actress, I will spend every dime I have experiencing life. I will visit every where in the world. If I blow it all and become a poor hobo on the street, then I will move to a state where it is always warm and live my days on the beach building sandcastles. Or i can move somewhere tropical and open some type of stand to sell something since that always seems to work for people in the movies! I just am one of those people who gets so bored with the everyday mundane. If I am stuck in the same routine everyday I will get bored. I will get grumpy. I will want to go to a different restaurant than olive garden or O Charleys just to mix it up. I think it is a wonderful thing to have wanderlust and I think the world would be better if everyone was struck with the wanderlust bug! I think no one should settle with what is in front of us but instead strive for more and strive to learn more. One of the most valuable things I learned from that trip to Europe is about the cultures of others. I learned how they talk and I learned how different my life in America was. I learned how I was just a greedy little punk like the rest of America because I take so many things for granted, but I also learned we may not always be the best in everything. I learned that if you just sit down and talk to someone new, even if they are in the same neighborhood as you, you will learn something you never thought possible. Everyone has something new to offer. Everyone you meet, if you go into the meeting with the right attitude, will teach you something you never thought possible. I titled this blog Traveling Hobo because maybe that is what I will be doing this summer. Due to people being big stupid dummies I have my whole summer wide open before me now. I can go where ever I want. I can travel. AND I WILL! I do not care to go alone. I know KARATE. I can defend myself. I want to go somewhere never before. I will welcome all passengers. I also titled it hobo because as an unemployed 24 year old, I have about enough money to make it to Indiana. But again, I am tough. I don't need money. I can be like forest gump and run across the country. I just feel like everyone should travel. Everyone should try things. I have no technical ties holding me down. I am free and I want to capitalize on that freedom. Even if all I get to do is take day trips to random places, I am going to. I WANT ALADDIN< I WANT SOMEONE WHO CAN SHOW ME THE WORLD>

A commitment phobe making a commitment

Okay so my dating life has been a string of bad decisions. Has any one heard that quote that goes "I do not have ex's I have y's?"' Yep that was my life. I was determined to never get married because marriage is stupid. Before anyone yells at me about that if you are married and happy more power to you. I am truly happy for you, but I was always one of those people who said, I am never going to get married. I want to be like Goldie hawn and whats his face? Or Oprah and her dude. I mean they seem to be happy and have been together for like as long as I have been alive and they aint hitched yet. I couldn't see the big deal in it. But then again I am something people call a "commitment phobe" which is a really stupid term but was probably really true. So I accepted that I was a commitment phobe and set out on a goal to end that, for no other reason then to prove that I could and everyone else in my life could stick that in their juice box and suck it. Well about 6 months into my journey of trying to prove the world I was not a commitment phobe, i was simply just too cool and awesome to actual find someone that could keep my attention for a long period of time, it happened. The thing that every commitment phobe faces as some point in their life, they meet someone and develop these things people call feelings (yuck). Before that I used to be all like yuck feeling, let me just swerve on away from them. But this time I swerved and the stupid feelings swerved with me. So I go into this and I tell my friends, look its no big deal. Nothing is going to come of it we are having fun but come on, he wont stick around. But apparently he is not very smart because he has been stuck with me for almost a year now. During this time, I went through many different stages. I think this is the stages many of us perpetually single girls go through when we actually develop those dreaded things called feelings.

Stage 1: Bafflement
Not sure bafflement is a word but if it was it would mean being totally confused. Its like you have seen a unicorn or a lochnest monster. You are not real sure who this strange human being is or where they came from? You have so many questions for them like "will they understand my obsession with mcdonalds or will they think its nasty? But the most important question is 'who are you and what do I do with you now that I found you?" I mean that is my question for all the people searching for bigfoot, what you gonna do with him once you find him? Once I found this guy, I was like well what do I do with him?

Stage 2: PANIC
Holy crap, what are these feelings? What is going on? Why do I want to talk to him and see him so bad? What is HAPPENING?? WHO AM I?? I am in such a panic I don't know which way is up or which way is down. Have you ever seen the movie Dick and Jane? You know the scene where he is running around yelling "Indicted JANE INDICTED" That's what I feel like.

Stage 3: Poop your pants fear
You know this fear. It's the type of fear you have when you watch a scary movie and you are relaxing then the music starts, then your heart starts racing, you are thinking where is the killer,. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? SHOW YOURSELF?? NO DON"T GO IN THERE!! then they go in there and you scream and they scream and we all scream. Yeah that crap. You know with out a doubt it will end badly. You are ready to pull a chandler bing and tell them you are moving to Yemen because you hear Yemen is nice this time a year and you are sure the people of Yemen will totally love you and some old Yemenite will talk you in and cook for you and you will become the queen of Yemen. That has got to be better then this right? Yep Yemen it is!

Stage 4; NOT HAPPENING
Friends" you actually like him"
Me " No I don't. You have no idea what you are talking about? Who is 'him'? What ever. Shut up"
You start to think I mean I don't actually like him, I mean come on. It's me you are talking about. Get out of her with that Jargon

Stage 5: I DON'T NEED NO MAN
I AM A BAD ASS WOMAN WHO DON"T NEED NO MAN. I got my single lady swagger and you can't stop it. Nope I will not smile when I see it's you that text me *bing one new message* S*** after this one I will not smile when he text me. So what he tells me good morning, It is a good moring I don't need him to tell me. and maybe it's a bad morning. He shouldnt be telling me what kind of morning it is. THIS IS MY LIFE! DON"T YOU TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE" I whip my hair back and forth, my hips dont lie, I AM BEYONCE!

Stage 6: Acceptance
It has happened. You have jumped off the feelings cliff, hit every loving rock along the way and fallen directly into the commitment pool. There was no way to stop it. You did you single ladies dance right over the edge. On the way down you start to feel lighter. You are happy to have gone over the cliff. You realize you could have walked away and not cared but then your life would have been plagued with the 'what if I hadn't been a big stupid chicken and given him a chance" You accept that maybe commitment is not so bad and maybe if you give him a chance it will work out and if it doesn't well you tried. You opened yourself up. I mean even miss independent woman Beyonce has a man so get off me.

Stuck in a rut

You ever just felt stuck? Just stuck in a rut? Stuck in an uptown funk you up, Uptown funk you up type of funk. I feel like I am stuck in one now. I think maybe it's the weather, my feelings always reflect mother nature. If its sad and rainy, that is how I feel. Maybe I am mother nature? Maybe in like a year someone is going to come find me to tell me its time to take on my role as mother nature.SUNSHINE ALWAYS! Anyways back to this rut (maybe I'm not so stuck after all if I can keep going off on tangents). I feel stuck in a rut. To me it is starting to feel like the same thing, different day. Wake up, work, come home, work out, do home work, go to class, do homework, go to bed. I feel like I am always having the same conversations with my friends. I feel its the same things that keep making me upset, that keep frustrating me and sending me off. Someone in my life once coined me the nick name "bottle cap" because that is how I function. I keep everything locked up tight until one day I finally exploded. It is like someone drops a mento in my coca cola, speaking of, everyone needs to see this. So now that we have seen mentos bath man, let us return to the topic at hand. When I think about this rut, I am not sure why I feel this way. I mean I am never one to brag but my life is going pretty great right now. I have a pretty swell man friend (well he is pretty swell when is he not making me mad lol), I have some amazing friends, a family that supports me no matter what, I am working towards a career I want, a new car. I mean life is awesome right now. I have so  many things to be grateful for and I am! I truly am. But sometimes everything just beats you down. Sometimes you just feel like you are stuck in a rut. Sometimes you just get tired of having the same problems everyday. I mean sometimes you get tired of feeling like no matter what you cant get ahead. Sometimes the inconsistencies of life can just beat you down. I just feel beaten down. That does not mean I am unhappy. I am happier than the pillsbury doughboy on his way to a baking convention. I am just tired. Just so tired. and Not in the yawn let me take a nap way but in the just tired of the crap. Tired of the inconsistencies. Tired of feeling like even though I bust my butt I can never get ahead. Tired of feeling like I am barely getting by even though that is not true. Tired of feeling like no matter how hard I try. No matter how much I work to be there for others. no matter how much I apologize for mistakes, it is not enough. it will never be enough. Tired of always having to make another decision. I for one would like to hire a decision maker so that every time I have a decision I dont want to make, I can be like "Bro what do i do?" The haters are always gonna hate. The inconsistencies of life will always be there, but in the words of the late, great Destiny's Child (which who is destiny and once one is the child? Where did this name come from?) " I am a survivor. Im gonna make it. I will survive it and keep on surviving" My point of these blogs is to kinda loosen my bottle cap. I am not good at speaking what I am feeling. i can never get it right. if i can write it down my thoughts have a chance to form. I also in the end write because maybe there is someone I know feeling this way. Maybe there is someone out there who can relate and for a second it can be like we are telepathically speaking to each other. I am already starting to feel better, it is amazing how that works.

Forgiveness is more than saying sorry

Just to get this blog off on the right note, here is the song that inspired the title. Now while that is a funny song, I have learned recently that people think that you saying sorry and trying to move on is a shameful act. Sorry has somehow become a word that makes you "less", makes you "weak", makes you the one that is a "push over" and just wants 'acceptance". What I don't understand is why? Why does asking for forgiveness have to mean any of that? Why can't saying you are sorry simply just mean, look I am sorry. I am a real live breathing human being and sometimes I do things that hurt others. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I do things I shouldn't. Sometimes I act ways I shouldn't. I think people think if you are saying sorry, you are admitting who you are isn't right. That you are apologizing for being who you are but that is not how I look at it. In my eyes, saying sorry shows exactly who I am. I am compassionate. I care if my actions hurt others, especially those I care about. I also want to show, "look I said what I meant, I feel the way I feel and I am sorry if that hurts you. If does not mean I don't care. If you think I am a bad person then I am sorry you feel that way. One thing I will never be sorry about is the fact that I am adult enough to say sorry. That I am confident enough in myself to know when Hey I'm sorry I messed up. I am sorry I made you feel the way you do. I think that it is more empowering. I think sorry alone, is not enough. Sorry is a start. Sorry is a word everyone knows. Sorry gets you set on the right foot. The first part of the title was forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard. If you have ever talked to me a day in your life, you know I am stubborn. If I want to be mad, I will be mad. If I want to say sorry, I will. If I put my mind to it, it will be done. Plain and simple. Forgiveness is the hardest part of anything. When people hurt you and they come to you and say sorry, it makes me feel weak to just forgive them. Shouldn't they have to work for it? Shouldn't they have to grovel? In reality no. But when someone comes to you and says sorry, it is easy to say no you are not. If you were sorry you wouldnt have done it. If you are sorry prove it. I am tired of words not mattering anymore. I find my self saying sorry alot, I bump into a table, I say sorry. WHO AM I EVEN TALKING TO?? It does not matter, all that matters is that maybe I made the table feel better and if nothing else, I feel better. From now on I am never going to feel bad for saying sorry. I will never feel bad for accepting, Hey sorry you took it that way. hey table sorry you just broke my table. And I think this post has turn into a bunch of rambling because my brain is all over the place. Okay, bye.

24 things I need to learn at 24

Okay so it's February and I realized that I did not make a New Years resolution this year. Now last year I did 14 for 14. And as a quick update of the 14 I accomplished travel somewhere exotic, get over my fear of commitment (still carry as s*** though), go to a concert of someone I've never seen (Cher is queen), write more,  and tell people how I feel about them. So of 14 things I accomplished 5. So not even 50%. I still have some things to work on this year. So if you want to go back and look at that blog you can or you can just shut up about it and know I am a busy women. I ain't got time to be doing all that crap! Plus before you hate on my where do you stand on your stupid resolutions?? Exactly! So anyways back to the point at hand. This year I have decided instead of making a new resolution I will take about 24 things I have yet to learn at age 24. Maybe it will inspire me to learn them. Or maybe someone will give me tips. So if you are some life guru with the answers hit me up!! With out further ado:

1) how to work a hair straightner
  Now I have this really awesome (and magical) curly hair that is full of secrets. But I feel like I have not yet reached my right of passage into womanhood because I have no idea how to use a hair straightner to reach a perfectly flawless head of hair. I mean I need to know this! What if there is an emergency, I will be un prepared!

2) what the hell is escrow? 
No real comments to make about it because I simply have no idea what it is

3) drive and not get road rage
   If you have ever been in a car with me or on the phone with me while I was driving then high know I want to kill every other driver. Everyone on the road but me is an idiot at all times. Actually I scratch this. I think the rest of the world needs to learn to drive then I won't have a problem.  This isn't my problem. This is y'all. You best reconize.

4) can one sleep with out a fan on? 
  Now I have heard some crazy tales of people who can sleep with out a fan on. I really need to talk to these crazy mythical creatures to learn how it is done. It is really a hindrance to sleep with one on. I can't travel with it fear of not having a fan. It's irrational. Maybe hypnosis will work.

5) accessorize 
  I always think I look flawless but apparently just wearing a watch and pearls is not accesorizing.

6) not to freak out when a baby cries 
  I love babies and their cute little baby faces. But as soon as that baby starts to cry I go into panic mode thinking satan is trying to take over. Not good folks. (Same for when it uses the bathroom, but that's just nasty)

7) paint my nails with out them looking like they were painted by Ray Charles 
 I mean I can't be the only one with the problem right?

8) not to get upset about things I can't change 
This one has been a major problem in my life lately. People won't change just because you want them too. I need to learn this and not to expect things to happen but more importantly just accept it. I can't change things. I can't make things happen. Got to get over it

9) a 401K? 
That's money for when your old and kicking it in the retirement community right?

10) be unashamed of who I am 
 Because I am flawless and did in fact wake up like this

11) fractions!! 
   They are numbers from the devil himself and I need to learn how to deal with them

12) don't expect others to be who I want them to be
  Yeah that won't happen. Idiot.

13) stop judging. 
  I can't help it that I am flawless and others are not. I shouldn't judge.

14) take a picture smiling like a normal human being 

15) how to call the Doctor on my own 
   Yeah my mom still does this for me which leads me to

16) my mom is not my personal assistant 
  I guess it's time I learn to start doing things on my own

17) how to disconnect from my phone. 
 I feel I can never be in the moment because I am always too worried about my phone. I need to learn to disconnect from it. It doesn't have all the answers ( actually kinda does because it can get google) but I feel if I can learn to disconnect from I then I can be happier. I won't get as upset when I am not contacted by that one person I want to talk to more than any thing ( talking about you Ellen D).

18) properly put on make up! 
Maybe because I never wear it I feel like a clown when I do. I want to look runway flawless with it on but I don't want people to know I'm wearing make up. I just want them to assume I am always so flawless

19) other ways to tame my hair 
Pretty sure my hairs theme song is "can't be tamed" by Miley Cyrus but that has to be more ways to wear my hair then up or down? Like right?

20) PPO? HMO? insurance? 
Yeah what's the difference? What do I need? What do I have?

21) can I dress myself with out others opinion? 
I always have to take a pic or send my mom a picture. I have the whole Instagram motto. If there's not a picture of my outfit and it doesn't get so many likes then it doesn't exist

22) as Rafiki says" it doesn't matter, it was in the past" 
 I need to learn to leave the past in the past and move on

23) a mortgage? 
 Yeah there's a lot of grown up adult things I don't know. I really need to get my s*** together.

24) how to truly "do what I want" 
I am a semi grown ass woman. I need to learn how to start acting like it and doing what I want as opposed to what every one wants me to do. End of story


So that's it. That's what I will focus on this year. You have any tips, holla at me bois (that is to be said like flavor flav)
  

Life and its stupid lemons

I know many of you have heard the expression when life gives you lemons, make lemonade then hope it gives you vodka as well. Personally I think this expression is stupid, but mainly because I do not particulary care for lemons. So as many of you know, I am in the midst of a life changing career change (and yes even though I am only 24 it can be life changing and a career change- even though I have never had a career before). part of this change has involved the soul sucking task of going back to school - and yes I get the irony of this since I want to spend my life in a school teaching. For those of you who have never been in college, know that it truly does suck your soul. You try and try and try and try to get ahead, you work hard, you make good grades then at the last second they throw you a hail mary and say hahahahaha sike, you have to do all this too. For me it is frustrating. I just want my life to start. I want to get somewhere. I want to move on and not feel suck. I am currently unemployed, yes I work odd and end jobs but to me that does not qualify as employed. I look ahead to my bright future and I see the light. I think I am finally gonna make it then BAM soul sucking school gets in the way. For those of you who really know me, you know I dont get discouraged easily and if I do I smile and bare it. I dont want people to know my problems and I def dont want their stupid advice unless I specifically ask for it. So yeah life has handed me lemons and what am I gonna do about, I guess I am just gonna keep trucking. I am still going to be a leech to my parents and live off of them forever because I cant seem to win when it comes to picking a career. But first and foremost I guess I am going to quit complaining. I am going to try my hardest to keep getting ahead and I am going to pray that life passes me some vodka pretty quick to wash down the bitter taste of its lemons. Okay rant over/