Unanswered Questions

Okay, I am going to say it without shame: I AM OBSESSED WITH THE BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE! The dresses, the ugly crying, the crazy women, and handsome men! I cannot get enough. Like seriously, I love it. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. I have even decided that I want to be on the Bachelor, and if my opening number of me serenading him with Celine Dion doesn’t work, then I want to make it to the top three, make America fall in love with me, so that I can be sent home (while my world is ending because some guy I don’t really know all that well sent me home after 4 weeks of “dating” him) and come back as the new Bachelorette and have 25 hot men chase after me. (And don’t worry ladies, if the guys looks good shirtless I will have a rule that there are not to be shirts worn while they are at home. You are welcome in advance). Now the first episode of the Bachelor has already aired and let me just say, I was puzzled. Then the second episode aired and I was left with even more questions! So here is all the questions the Bachelor never answered for me, so someone, anyone help me!!!

SO we have one lady that is a professional dog lover and one that is a “free spirit”. Okay, how do you get these jobs? Do you have to love certain types of dogs? Does your spirit always have to be free or only part time? Since she brought her dog with her, didn’t she technically bring her work with her? Are these majors in college? What college and how much do they pay? So I am going to need a full background interview on these women! Second, I thought faking a pregnancy was a huge faux pas. Was that a fabrication that other women told to the non-crazies? I feel like there is a lot of Lifetime movies about this and it never end well. Ole home girl did it and if I am not mistaken has received two roses. So why was this attractive? Was it because it was bold and unexpected? I mean I can understand that, the whole “it was daring” thing. It showed she wasn’t afraid to take a risk, I guess. What was her “baby” anyways? And how will he know that if they get married, every time she says she is pregnant she is?? Third, what is with the crying? Like lord ladies, have you ever listened to a Miranda Lambert song? If not she says, “Go and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady”! Key word there is to hide your crazy, not flamboyantly display your crazy! And when these women do break down, why do they always go to the bathroom, why not a bedroom? What makes the bathroom special? Is there a rule you have to go to the bathroom??? I NEED TO KNOW! Maybe these women just watch a lot of Disney and see that the damsel in distress thing works. Well FORGET YOU DISNEY, I am a strong independent woman and I will not have a back down in a bathroom for a man, I will choose a much classier room. Although, I will go on record and say when ole crazy twerked in a hot tub I was insanely jealous that she bested Miley and me in that we did not think of twerking in that place first. Mark my words, I will top you hot tub twerker, I will find somewhere better to twerk! Fourth, is there a background check on these women? How do so many get through if there is one? Is it a requirement to have a sob story? Are these sob stories fact checked? Why are these women so devastated when they don’t get a rose? I mean I know they have known the guy for a WHOLE 5 MINUTES, which is like a lifetime in Bachelor years, but do you expect this every time you meet someone, to fall in love in 5 minutes? Is this the whole Nicholas Sparks conundrum?

            Oh Bachelor, how I love thee so but I am really gonna need you to answer all these questions for me! I simply will be devastated and lock myself in a bathroom if you do not answer them! I AM SERIOUS! A BATHROOM LOCKDOWN, BREAKDOWN is coming and I will not emerge until you come to my rescue! I will take a page right out of your book on that one! Now if you do not watch, I have really taught you no more information but have filled you in on all that you missed, so you are welcome. Now you can watch with me! I mean you really do learn some things, like: breakdowns always get the man to chase you, running around naked is always an eye catcher as well, and that all these elaborate dates are totally realistic and will happen once you are in the real world. I mean just last week I went on a date with a guy, and he flew me on a private jet to Italy because I was really in the mood for pizza. And if you believe that, “I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona, from my front porch you can see the sea…” (If you did not know where my last line is from, then you are tacky and I hate you!) I bid you Good night, and I will speak to you all tomorrow my little….. I need a name for you my loyal followers. I will find one for you!