14 for '14

Every year I say I want to do all these cool things that I have never done before and swear that I will accomplish before the ball drops on New Year's Eve and somehow, some way I fail. (thumbs down motion goes here). This year is going to be my year. I say that exact phrase every year but this year I truly believe it. This year will be the year that I do something great. I break out of my shell and show the world what I am all about, and show them I am Jennifer Johnson and I am AWESOME!! So in this brilliant mind of mine, I thought that if I put my goals on the World Wide Web then I would have no choice but to complete them because then the world and my millions of followers can hold me accountable. So here are the 14 things I want to complete in the year 2014! (Get it, 14 for ’14, I am so clever.)

           

1.     Go to California and attempt to get a job with Ellen DeGeneres. So this has always been a dream of mine  (since I was 18, which means 5 WHOLE YEARS) and since I talk about it in every blog, I added it to my list so I finally do it. Plus it is first on my list so the most important. I mean the worst that can happen is that I will be thrown in jail for stalking and will have a cool story to tell out of it.

2.     Go on a road trip by myself. I LOVE ROAD TRIPS!!! This year I want to get in a car and just start driving. Maybe I can go see the World’s Largest Ball of Yarn or the World's Largest Basket (yes, they are both real. I Wikipedia them and we all know Wiki never lies). Depending on how far I go, I may bring someone with me, but I have always wanted to see what it was like to travel alone. To be free to make my own decision about where I stop and what World's Largest attraction I stop at without someone wanting to see something stupid. ME TIME!

3.     Travel somewhere exotic. Last year I went to Europe (which is somewhere I have always wanted to go), so this year I want to travel to another far away land. Learn something about a country that is not my own. Meet people that are not from these parts and experience something that is unique.

4.     Get over my fear of commitment. I have this fear of actually committing to a relationship for no reason. I do not want to say “fall in love” or anything crazy but just get over my fear of actually being in a relationship. If I find someone this year then be willing to say okay and take myself off the market (EEK)

5.     Acts of kindness. I want to try and complete a random act of kindness for someone else at least twice a week. I would love to do everyday but being as I am unemployed I do not leave my house everyday, I do not interact with other humans daily making this impossible unless I was totally selfish and completed random acts for myself. Which how would that even work? How is one kind to oneself?

6.     Enter a contest and WIN! Oh, yes. I am winning something this year! I would prefer this to be a singing contest but maybe something more with in my means. But then again I do sound like Celine Dion when I sing, so it is a possibility.

7.     Volunteer…….. as tribute! No seriously, do some volunteer work. I mean that should be easy right. I mean every year I say I will volunteer and I always put it off. It always becomes one of those things I can start the next day and lo and behold I reach the end of the year and have not volunteered. So now tomorrow is officially today!

8.     Read 50 books that don’t have pictures! I love getting lost in a world that is not my own while expanding my mind. It is easy to get lost in a television series world but reading, I am expanding my mind and learning in the process. Duh! Plus I get to create the pictures myself without someone showing me what a character looks like; I can make them look how ever I want.

9.     Go see someone in concert I have never seen before live. I am a concert buff! I love them! So this year I want to go to a concert and see a musician I have never seen before and preferably this concert would be free because I am unemployed. I like to keep reminding you that I am unemployed so that you do not forget.

10.  Write more. I love to write! If I were more intelligent I would try to be journalist, but since my teacher once told me I have the grammar of a kindergartener I feel this will not be possible. But I will still write more and maybe see if I can get freelance job writing.

11.  Let others know how I feel about them. I mean the world keeps spinning and I am starting to learn it’s about quality not quantity. The people in my life I care about need to know that I care about them. It is kinda a no brainer. If I think you suck as a person and my life would be better with out you, then I am going to tell you (in a much nicer way) and then I am going to set you free.

12.  Learn a new trade. Learn to do something that I cannot do. Maybe knitting or woodwork. Or maybe learn to play an instrument. Or maybe electrical work, or sewing, or well the possibilities are endless.

13.  Learn a foreign language. I mean from what I hear Italian and French are the language of love and I feel like it would be super cool to randomly start yelling at people in a different language.

14.  Take a dance class! I really want to be more cultured. And this way when I go to work for Ellen my dance moves is in tiptop shape and I will blow her mind! Plus, I have all the moves like Beyoncé but I have always wanted to learn to swing dance.

 There you have it! My super, duper awesome list of things I want to accomplish this year.  I have always heard that, “If I set my mind to it, I can do it.” So this year I am going to set my mind to accomplish all of these. And the good news is that, I will write about my journey along the way so that you know how closely I am following my word. There is a lot more to come from me this year peeps, SO BE PREPARED!!!

Grown up but not

    Jobless. Free. Not a girl, not yet a woman. Single. Young. Wild. Funny. Smart. Stupid. These are some of the words that people use to describe me. The ones I want to talk about are the one that the pop princess Britney Spears sang about me, "I am not a girl, but not yet a woman." I know I am 23 and supposed to be a grown up and start acting like that but do I really have to be ready to be a complete grown up. Can I sometimes still make mistakes and do stupid "childish" things? HELL YEAH I CAN, because I do. I am a grown up but then not a grown up at all. 
    I am jobless. Yep, I am. I went to college for 5 years (because I wanted to be extra smart when I graduated so took an extra year) then got a job. Then I did what any reasonable adult and quit that job because I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Well what 2 things I wanted to do with my life but in order to not continue talking about how I am destined to be the next Ellen, I will focus on the one that requires school. I love school. I am a loser who loves school. I think that yeah this can make me a little childish that I quit my job but then again am I not a grown up because I finally figured out my destiny? I THINK SO! I think it is part of growing up. Branching out and taking a leap of faith. A semi blind leap. To all those people who tell me to grow up and actually do something, GET OFF ME!
     I do not want to be in a hurry to grow up. I still want to take my time being young and dumb. Why does one have to choose? Why can't I be a young and dumb grown up? I know how to do grown up things. I can take care of myself. I had a job. But I also am in no hurry to stop doing fun, spur of the moment trips. I want to spend what little money I have now (because I am jobless) and travel. I want to worry about the adult responsibilities when I get back and take a trip somewhere. Anywhere really, because I have no obligations. I will finish my school (again) like an adult, I will get a job, a house of my own, and pay my own bills... One day but not now. I want to continue to walk the line of being young and old. I want to keep my childish ways but maybe adapt them to the way an adult would think. I think one of the greatest things about me is that I know how to act mature, I know the responsibilities that are required of me but I also know how to push those aside for a while and just have fun so that is what I will do. I will continue to be grown up but not and if you don't like it I do not care. 

Naked Dancing

I really hope you like the title of this blog. I personally am a big fan, especially since I titled it. Now I am going to explain to you what I mean. Have any of you just turned your music up, let your hair down and truly danced like no one was watching. Just letting the music take you over and just dance with the moves like Jagger (I am too young to know what Jagger danced like but I assume it was good). It is freeing to just allow yourself to get to that place with out feeling ashamed. Now after answering that question, have any of you just walked around your house or room naked. Just stripped of everything you use to cover you, and showed your body in all its glory? It is a different kind of free. Now combine those two feelings together and you will feel what I feel right now.

            I recently resigned from my job. If any of you have never done it then do what I did, go into work, tell your boss this s*** is wacky, throw your hands in the air, say you quit, and walk out like a boss! Now after I woke up from that dream I went to my office, sat down in my bosses’ office and cried like a little baby as I told her I was resigning. It was single handedly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I did not like my job but I had grown to truly care and respect the people I had worked with and I felt I was abandoning them. That I was the one laying on the door while they all froze in the water (titanic reference). Now the good news is, after I got all my tears out I felt like I was naked dancing. I was free. The sumo wrestler sitting on my chest was gone!

            From now on whenever I am scared to do something I am going to think of naked dancing and the thrill I get from it. The thrill of knowing nothing can hold me back. The world is my oyster (which I really do not get that reference at all, like what does that mean?) I have never felt so free. I can make my own decisions, make my own mistakes, and make my own adventures. It is scary at first. I won’t lie. I sit here on my second day of not having a job and I am like what am I going to do? How will I pass that time? Then I put my music on and dance! I mean 1) it is a great workout, 2) just like Shakira my hips don’t lie, and 3) I have nothing else to do. I have time to figure out my life. I thought this would be scary. I almost had a Kim Kardashian crying session thinking I had screwed everything up and made a wrong decision but now I know I haven’t. I feel so free and happy. So what ever it is that is holding you back let it go and start dancing naked! Let yourself be free to make a change. Change is not always a bad thing (except this one time I changed my hair and it was a very bad thing). NAKED DANCING RULES!

Unanswered Questions

Okay, I am going to say it without shame: I AM OBSESSED WITH THE BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE! The dresses, the ugly crying, the crazy women, and handsome men! I cannot get enough. Like seriously, I love it. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. I have even decided that I want to be on the Bachelor, and if my opening number of me serenading him with Celine Dion doesn’t work, then I want to make it to the top three, make America fall in love with me, so that I can be sent home (while my world is ending because some guy I don’t really know all that well sent me home after 4 weeks of “dating” him) and come back as the new Bachelorette and have 25 hot men chase after me. (And don’t worry ladies, if the guys looks good shirtless I will have a rule that there are not to be shirts worn while they are at home. You are welcome in advance). Now the first episode of the Bachelor has already aired and let me just say, I was puzzled. Then the second episode aired and I was left with even more questions! So here is all the questions the Bachelor never answered for me, so someone, anyone help me!!!

SO we have one lady that is a professional dog lover and one that is a “free spirit”. Okay, how do you get these jobs? Do you have to love certain types of dogs? Does your spirit always have to be free or only part time? Since she brought her dog with her, didn’t she technically bring her work with her? Are these majors in college? What college and how much do they pay? So I am going to need a full background interview on these women! Second, I thought faking a pregnancy was a huge faux pas. Was that a fabrication that other women told to the non-crazies? I feel like there is a lot of Lifetime movies about this and it never end well. Ole home girl did it and if I am not mistaken has received two roses. So why was this attractive? Was it because it was bold and unexpected? I mean I can understand that, the whole “it was daring” thing. It showed she wasn’t afraid to take a risk, I guess. What was her “baby” anyways? And how will he know that if they get married, every time she says she is pregnant she is?? Third, what is with the crying? Like lord ladies, have you ever listened to a Miranda Lambert song? If not she says, “Go and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady”! Key word there is to hide your crazy, not flamboyantly display your crazy! And when these women do break down, why do they always go to the bathroom, why not a bedroom? What makes the bathroom special? Is there a rule you have to go to the bathroom??? I NEED TO KNOW! Maybe these women just watch a lot of Disney and see that the damsel in distress thing works. Well FORGET YOU DISNEY, I am a strong independent woman and I will not have a back down in a bathroom for a man, I will choose a much classier room. Although, I will go on record and say when ole crazy twerked in a hot tub I was insanely jealous that she bested Miley and me in that we did not think of twerking in that place first. Mark my words, I will top you hot tub twerker, I will find somewhere better to twerk! Fourth, is there a background check on these women? How do so many get through if there is one? Is it a requirement to have a sob story? Are these sob stories fact checked? Why are these women so devastated when they don’t get a rose? I mean I know they have known the guy for a WHOLE 5 MINUTES, which is like a lifetime in Bachelor years, but do you expect this every time you meet someone, to fall in love in 5 minutes? Is this the whole Nicholas Sparks conundrum?

            Oh Bachelor, how I love thee so but I am really gonna need you to answer all these questions for me! I simply will be devastated and lock myself in a bathroom if you do not answer them! I AM SERIOUS! A BATHROOM LOCKDOWN, BREAKDOWN is coming and I will not emerge until you come to my rescue! I will take a page right out of your book on that one! Now if you do not watch, I have really taught you no more information but have filled you in on all that you missed, so you are welcome. Now you can watch with me! I mean you really do learn some things, like: breakdowns always get the man to chase you, running around naked is always an eye catcher as well, and that all these elaborate dates are totally realistic and will happen once you are in the real world. I mean just last week I went on a date with a guy, and he flew me on a private jet to Italy because I was really in the mood for pizza. And if you believe that, “I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona, from my front porch you can see the sea…” (If you did not know where my last line is from, then you are tacky and I hate you!) I bid you Good night, and I will speak to you all tomorrow my little….. I need a name for you my loyal followers. I will find one for you!

New Year's Resolution

My New Year’s resolution (which I can make 2 weeks into the New Year if I want) is to be more like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. I watched the Golden Globes and I imagined that in 5 years when I am an ultra-famous star because Ellen has finally accepted that fact that I am supposed to work for her (which I will be doing after I go crazy and fly to Cali this summer to give her a chance to see my beautiful face), I will be blast into superstardom and be nominated for all kinds of snazzy awards. The first award I will win of course will be a Grammy because, well duh, I have the VOICE OF AN ANGEL! So after that, I will do what all musicians do and become an actress, star in a movie with Meryl Streep and be sent to the Golden Globes to accept my award for Best Actress in a Drama/Comedy. Much like a similar actress who has the same name as me, I too will beat Meryl! Back to the point, I imagined whose table I will be sitting at and my first thought was I will be with Meryl Streep and Julie Roberts because they let Taylor Swift sit there so their standards must not be too high, but then I was like NO! I will become Tine Fey and Amy Poehler's sidekick and host with them! I mean if you can sit there and say you do not like either of these actresses then you are a liar! I read this article, (let me paste it right here for you so that you can read it too) 21 Reasons Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Should Be Every Girls' Role Model(if you are too lazy to open and read that then I will be summarizing below but I won’t summarize it all so you really should read it. I mean really come on now, just read it). These reason alone made me come to the conclusion that I need to be more like them in the coming year and beyond.

Now I won’t comment on every one of the points made because there is 21 of them and that is just a lot of points to have to make and I mean really, you just need to really know the main reasons. So the first reason is (on the list it is number 4) they can dress sexy without being slutty. This is extremely hard to do as a 23 year old female. When you go out to the bar there is a very fine line you have to walk to not cross into the "slut spectrum". When I go out I want people to look at me and say, “She is fine!” without saying ‘She’s one fine looking tramp!” It is a tough line to navigate and this year, I will walk that line and I will walk it with the skill of an Olympic balance beam competitor. Number 2) they do what they want, and really don’t care if other people like it or not. They are not afraid to push the envelope and do something that “ladies are not supposed to do”. Hello, that sounds like a lot of fun to me! I want to be someone who does what I want and not care what anyone else says about it. I mean duh, who doesn’t. Tina Fey is a writer, which as you can all see by reading this blog that I am a writer (or paid some poor English major to write for me, you will never know). I may not be very good at it, and you may not enjoy what I have to say but I like to write so I am going to do it anyways. I want to write more this year. Hey, maybe I will try to do some freelance this year, or write a novel! Who knows, I could write the next cult classic film like Tina Fey did with Mean Girls.  Or I could just be more consistent with writing this blog, but then where is the fun in that. Tina wanted to be a writer so she made it happen; Amy wanted to do comedy so they made it happen. I like to think I am pretty funny, not just funny looking, so there is another point in my favor of reaching my resolution. Both of these ladies took a chance and it appears to have worked out really well for them. Since I have already quit my job to take a chance on something I think will make me happy, then I am practically their twin already (if you count the comedy and writing thing, which I do since I am in charge of the point tallying). They are also both very smart. They have figured out how to be so hilariously funny that people want to follow them and be like them. I also like to think of myself as pretty smart. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but I am not the dullest either. I like to think of myself as the magenta of crayons. It is bright but not too bright. It has a really cool and unique name and it is the color that everyone reaches for when they need that one special color to bring everything together. So yep, that is me, Miss Magenta. Okay the final reason is they know how to be a best friend. Which is exactly what I want since I want them to become my new BFF’s when I finally get to Hollywood and become famous! Also I like to think of myself as a really good friend. If you are my friend, and don’t think that I am a good friend, well maybe it is really you that sucks! Everyone should know how to be a good friend to people so it is a valuable lesson to have.

SO even though it is 2 weeks late that is my New Year’s resolution! Since I was smarter than all you fools and waited awhile to make it, I haven’t screwed it up yet, so Ha! Ha! Ha! And stayed tuned because tomorrow my blog is full of all the wisdom on seducing a man I have learned from the first two episodes of this seasons The Bachelor.