Back to school

That is correct. I went back to school, back to school, to prove to all I'm not a fool. You would think that as a wise 24 year old school would be a breeze. Especially since I finally know what I am going to school to accomplish. WRONG! School is so much more stressful for me. For those of you who don't know me well, then you need to know that I am so insanely smart it is scary. For those of you who know me wel, you know that was a gross exaggeration (especially since I had to google how to spell that stupid word). But now that I am in school for what I know I want to do I am scared. It is much more stressful then the first 5 years of college. (I took a victory lap for those of you wondering why it was 5 years). It is the fact I am not sure how to feel. Let me explain.

I am nervous. I am nervous that I will go through all this schooling to get to the career I want, only to be turned away. I am nervous I will never be fully prepared. I am nervous that, even though I have found passion in what I am doing, I am not on the right path. How do you ever know? I feel nervous that I need a job desperatly but maybe I am not ready. But nervousness is good. I feel like I am taylor Swift about to perform on stage. I do not care what she say, everyone gets nervous. It is a beautiful thing if you do not cave to it, but instead embrace it and try to beat it.

I am embarassed. I am embarassed that I am 24, living at home, and essentinaly jobless. I mean society tells me it is time to grow up. It's like I am stuck in this chronic childhood that I can not get out of. When people ask me "What do you do?" (because as a 24 year old then only questions you get asked what do you do? and are you married? Which both questions are just stupid. Like get off me world! I do what I want). Anyways, when I get asked this question I usually just say I am a teacher. Am I actually a certified teacher? Negative ghost rider. Do I teach? Yes I teach people everyday what it is like to be someone who is truly awesome. People just never stop there. They have to know where and what I teach? Well again, quit stalking my life people. Then they know, they just know I live at home. Mom, since you are usually the only person who reads this, know that I am never moving out. I am living with you forever. Most great stories are embarassing ones. This is the start of my great story. We have all been embarassed at some point and all that matters is how you move on from it.

I feel stuck. I am moving forward but not. I feel that I am stuck in this limbo of being adult without the responsiblities. I feel that I have been told over and over that I am supposed to grow up, get a job, get a house, get married. YOU ARE 24 FOR PETES SAKE! I do not need you to remind me how old I am. I still remember thank you very much. I feel that I am like this gross montrosiety that has to be hidden away in my parents basement, when in all actuallity I live on the top floor so it is more like the attic so suck it. I just feel that while I am trying so hard to move forward but I feel nervous I am not ready. I want to teach. I will be challenged with taking care of young adults evryday. Is anyone ever really ready for that?

Finally I feel excited. I am excited that I am kinda going against society and breaking the rules. I am excited that I am moving toward something that feels correct. I am excited that I have the opportunity to do this things. I am excited I have a family and friends that listen to all my crazy feelings and don't judge me. They tell me to quit being crazy but they support me. I have a truly great support group. So if you are one of those people who has listened to all my recent concerns and stresses, since they change weekly, thank you. Thank you for letting me talk to you like I am some deranged lunatic so that I can get it off my chest. Thanks for looking at me like I grew two heads but listening to me none the less. I feel like every time I am excited, I want to dance around like Jesse Saprano on drugs while singing " I'm so, I'm so scared" Excitement is fun. Everything in life should excite you, unless you are dead inside.

I always think I am alone when I have multiple emotions going through me at once, but then I remember I am a female and all females have this insane super power to feel many things at once. The thing about life is that it never takes you on just one turn at a time. It takes you on a zig zag and roller coaster of emotions. As human beings we learn to cope but what is important we do not have to cope alone. There is always a friend or family member there ready to listen to your crazy mind. Let them.

Instant gratification

Life these days is all about instant gratification. Every thing I could ever want is right here at my finger tips, well actually since my phone is so large it is right here in both my palms as I try to get my tiny baby hands to reach all the way across my phone made for giants. I have been consumed with wanting everything to come to me right away. If I am driving down the road and get lost and my phone won't instantly tell me where I need to go, I GET MAD. I yell at it. I call it a worthless piece of garabge. I tell it I hope you die. Well in all reality my phone is nothing more than an object so it won't die. My biggest problem with instant gratification is communication. The normal conventions of communication are gone and this is a problem for me.

Here is how my mind works:
Me :send a text..wait...wait...wait!
Me: Are you kidding me?? It has been one minute and that dirty little pirate hooker has not responded to me! Are you serious? What is their problem? OOO I guess they are just so busy they can't take two seconds out of their life to answer me. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! **sobbing** IDIOT I DON'T NEED THEM ANYWAYS
Other person: OO Hey whats going on?
Me: okay okay they want to talk to me. Good. So I'll just respond to them.
Me: Sends reply... waits... waits. waits
Me: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! DID THEY DIE FROM THE EXCITEMENT OF READING MY TEXT. OOO THEY BETTER HAVE DIED OR I WILL KILL THEM!

It's mayhem. It is driving me insane. I am too worried about trying to talk to the person on the other end of technology that I am missing out on things. I am too worried as to why someone won't respond to me immediatly. I have always tried to have the mindset that if someone wants to communicate with me, they will make an active effort to do so. Well I agree with that. If someone wants to talk to you and cares about you they will make an effort to tell you. But just because they do not immediately respond to you does not mean they do not care.

I am a big believer that actions will always speak louder than words. Words are kind of important as well though. I think in this day and age it is hard to accept that people are not going to always be readily available simply because everything else in your life is. It is time for me to accept the things I can not change. The things I can not change are people will not always be there to talk to me just because I send them a text. They could seriously have things to do. It is time for me to accept that life is not about instant gratification. I need to take a step back in time. I need to remember the days when I have to call my friends land line and if they weren't home I just had to wait for them. I need to accept that people are not supposed to be at the tip of my fingers. Instant gratification in communication can cause you anger and pain if you let it. It will make you mad that the stupid idiots on the other end of the line won't respond to the totally meaningful text you sent them about your day, well then I guess it is their own stupid fault for being stupid idiots. It is time to realize that people have lives. Maybe I need to live my life outside of my phone and I won't get so mad.

As a human, I need to do a better job accepting delayed gratification. I need to know that sometimes you have to wait for things. But I also need all you stupid idiots that I text to respond to me in a timely manner before I kill you hahaha. Kidding. Kinda.