Stuck in a rut

You ever just felt stuck? Just stuck in a rut? Stuck in an uptown funk you up, Uptown funk you up type of funk. I feel like I am stuck in one now. I think maybe it's the weather, my feelings always reflect mother nature. If its sad and rainy, that is how I feel. Maybe I am mother nature? Maybe in like a year someone is going to come find me to tell me its time to take on my role as mother nature.SUNSHINE ALWAYS! Anyways back to this rut (maybe I'm not so stuck after all if I can keep going off on tangents). I feel stuck in a rut. To me it is starting to feel like the same thing, different day. Wake up, work, come home, work out, do home work, go to class, do homework, go to bed. I feel like I am always having the same conversations with my friends. I feel its the same things that keep making me upset, that keep frustrating me and sending me off. Someone in my life once coined me the nick name "bottle cap" because that is how I function. I keep everything locked up tight until one day I finally exploded. It is like someone drops a mento in my coca cola, speaking of, everyone needs to see this. So now that we have seen mentos bath man, let us return to the topic at hand. When I think about this rut, I am not sure why I feel this way. I mean I am never one to brag but my life is going pretty great right now. I have a pretty swell man friend (well he is pretty swell when is he not making me mad lol), I have some amazing friends, a family that supports me no matter what, I am working towards a career I want, a new car. I mean life is awesome right now. I have so  many things to be grateful for and I am! I truly am. But sometimes everything just beats you down. Sometimes you just feel like you are stuck in a rut. Sometimes you just get tired of having the same problems everyday. I mean sometimes you get tired of feeling like no matter what you cant get ahead. Sometimes the inconsistencies of life can just beat you down. I just feel beaten down. That does not mean I am unhappy. I am happier than the pillsbury doughboy on his way to a baking convention. I am just tired. Just so tired. and Not in the yawn let me take a nap way but in the just tired of the crap. Tired of the inconsistencies. Tired of feeling like even though I bust my butt I can never get ahead. Tired of feeling like I am barely getting by even though that is not true. Tired of feeling like no matter how hard I try. No matter how much I work to be there for others. no matter how much I apologize for mistakes, it is not enough. it will never be enough. Tired of always having to make another decision. I for one would like to hire a decision maker so that every time I have a decision I dont want to make, I can be like "Bro what do i do?" The haters are always gonna hate. The inconsistencies of life will always be there, but in the words of the late, great Destiny's Child (which who is destiny and once one is the child? Where did this name come from?) " I am a survivor. Im gonna make it. I will survive it and keep on surviving" My point of these blogs is to kinda loosen my bottle cap. I am not good at speaking what I am feeling. i can never get it right. if i can write it down my thoughts have a chance to form. I also in the end write because maybe there is someone I know feeling this way. Maybe there is someone out there who can relate and for a second it can be like we are telepathically speaking to each other. I am already starting to feel better, it is amazing how that works.

Forgiveness is more than saying sorry

Just to get this blog off on the right note, here is the song that inspired the title. Now while that is a funny song, I have learned recently that people think that you saying sorry and trying to move on is a shameful act. Sorry has somehow become a word that makes you "less", makes you "weak", makes you the one that is a "push over" and just wants 'acceptance". What I don't understand is why? Why does asking for forgiveness have to mean any of that? Why can't saying you are sorry simply just mean, look I am sorry. I am a real live breathing human being and sometimes I do things that hurt others. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I do things I shouldn't. Sometimes I act ways I shouldn't. I think people think if you are saying sorry, you are admitting who you are isn't right. That you are apologizing for being who you are but that is not how I look at it. In my eyes, saying sorry shows exactly who I am. I am compassionate. I care if my actions hurt others, especially those I care about. I also want to show, "look I said what I meant, I feel the way I feel and I am sorry if that hurts you. If does not mean I don't care. If you think I am a bad person then I am sorry you feel that way. One thing I will never be sorry about is the fact that I am adult enough to say sorry. That I am confident enough in myself to know when Hey I'm sorry I messed up. I am sorry I made you feel the way you do. I think that it is more empowering. I think sorry alone, is not enough. Sorry is a start. Sorry is a word everyone knows. Sorry gets you set on the right foot. The first part of the title was forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard. If you have ever talked to me a day in your life, you know I am stubborn. If I want to be mad, I will be mad. If I want to say sorry, I will. If I put my mind to it, it will be done. Plain and simple. Forgiveness is the hardest part of anything. When people hurt you and they come to you and say sorry, it makes me feel weak to just forgive them. Shouldn't they have to work for it? Shouldn't they have to grovel? In reality no. But when someone comes to you and says sorry, it is easy to say no you are not. If you were sorry you wouldnt have done it. If you are sorry prove it. I am tired of words not mattering anymore. I find my self saying sorry alot, I bump into a table, I say sorry. WHO AM I EVEN TALKING TO?? It does not matter, all that matters is that maybe I made the table feel better and if nothing else, I feel better. From now on I am never going to feel bad for saying sorry. I will never feel bad for accepting, Hey sorry you took it that way. hey table sorry you just broke my table. And I think this post has turn into a bunch of rambling because my brain is all over the place. Okay, bye.